Mitsubishi Outlander

'bout time for 'nuther post, here it is,

The Mitsubishi Outlander

(Mitsubishi)

Well, it's a crossover, and as many long time readers of my blog will know, it is my duty to rid the world of these S.P.C.V.'s (soccer practice conveyance vehicles).

On the matter of looks, the Outlander definitely falls short, in my opinion. For instance, I'm pretty sure that the front grille will have to force Honda to go four-blade with the CR-V to continue to be a competitor (Toyota has already done it with the new Camry, I mean just look at it). Also, the Outlander appears to be the only car that I know of that has an angry looking tailgate. I'm wondering now if the tailgate is angry for being on such a bad looking car.

The bad looking car is also a slow one. The 3.0 V-6 (which isn't even the base trim) makes an abysmal 224 horsepower, which is not nearly enough to lug its 3,500 pound bulk around. As a consequence, the Outlander does 0-60 in 7.6 seconds. That used to be a respectable speed for cars not that long ago, but in 2018, you might find it a bit difficult to merge. Also, it does the quarter mile in 16 seconds exactly with a trap speed of 89 mph. To run this car in the quarter, it takes an actual lifetime. Also, the Outlander drinks premium fuel. It is not deserving of the distilled essence of greatness that is premium gasoline!

The transmisson is on-par with the other components (meaning it's sub-par. (this is getting confusing (hey, look, nested parenthesies! (I should stop this before it gets out of control (Nope, too late (great, now I'm out of ideas to end this joke with)))))). It is a CVT, which is a system that lets the driver essentially have infinite gears. It sounds great, but in reality, it breaks a lot, and makes a noise in equivalance to a sew-and-vac run by cows.

So, the Outlander. A crossover with questionable looks, A questionable engine that drinks fuel that should be reserved for Challengers and Koenigseggeggegg3gggegs, and a transmission that will not respond to your questions, because it is a cow.

Do you have any thoughts about cats/cats? What drives you crazy? One post a week so stay tuned!

What's The Worst Mod?

'bout time for another post, here it is,


(github.com)

This isn't the usual post. Today, I have a question to pose to you, the readers. The question (in question) is:

What's The Worst Modification on The Road Today?

I look forward to replying to your answers in the comments!

(by the way, if you like this kind of post, I could do them on a semi-regular basis)

Nissan Versa Note

'bout time for another post, here it is,

The Nissan Versa Note

(credit: consumerreports.com)

To start, the Versa Note looks like that bean thing in Chicago, with swirly chair casters underneath it. It also appears to be the first car in existance that wears braces. The engine works as well as the body looks.

The engine makes a grand total of 109 horsepower. This is approximatley the power my fingers use to strike these keys to write this sentence. The 109 tired-out stallions reluctantly drag the Note frome 0-60 in 9.9 seconds. According to the interwebs, I can tie a tie faster than the Note can get up to (what you are supposed to do but no-one does on the) highway speed! Moving down the powertrain, the transmission is equally bad -if not worse- than the engine.

One of the two offered transmissions is a CVT. A CVT is pretty much a belt streched between two cones. It, in theory, is a good idea but -rather like a Tesla- it breaks all the time and is much louder than advertised. The 5-speed isn't great, either. Car and Driver said that "[the 5-speed] elicted a distinct 'meh'." The tires that get (barely) spun by the transmission are of similar quality as the rest of the car toaster.

The Versa sits on are Bridgestone Ecopia's all round. They are tuned for low rolling-resistance rather than grip. This makes the Versa run the skidpad at a not-perticulary-great .8 g, and it took a whopping 188 feet to stop from 60 mph.

So, the Versa Note. A silly name, a motorized jelly-bean wearing LEGO® tires and uses a rather noisy method of power conversion.

Do you have any thoughts about cars/cats? What drives you crazy? One post a week so stay tuned!

Kia Sportage

'bout time for another post, here it is,

The Kia Sportage

(caranddriiver.com)

It's a crossover. In fact, it lies about being a crossover. The Sportage calls its bloated hatchback body a "small SUV". The body itself has some major flaws, the most blatant of wich are the fixtures. It has a silly, grinning face, sideways-pupil-goat-eyes, and fog lights that look like Windows logo. The back, at least, looks normal-ish. The engine works just about as well as the body does.

The turbo engine in the SX gets all of 23 mpg on the highway. A Challenger SRT Hellcat gets the same MPG, goes from 0-60 3.3 seconds faster, and is a fire-breathing muscle car desinged to not be eco friendly, just to be fast (yes, I know it is a bit like comparing apples and oranges because the Challenger is a lot more expensive, but COME ON!).

I think the issue at play is that because the Sportage has a large hatchback body made to look like it is an SUV, it has picked up a few pounds. In fact, the lardy Sportage weighs in at a hefty 3768 pounds. A '69 Charger has a curb weight of 3,646 pounds, and I'm pretty sure the General Lee was no featherweight.

So, the Sportage. A face that looks like a Doctor Who monster, an engine that gets worse mileage than my furnace that doesn't move, and, somehow, is a fat car.

Do you have any thoughts about cars/cats? What drives you crazy? One post a week so stay tuned!

New Year's

'bout time for a special post, here it is,

All the Great Cars That Died in 2017

(dodge.com)

Alas, the above Dodge Viper lives no more. The Viper was so special because it had an 8.4 liter V-10, which was the largest engine ever put into a production car since World War II, as well as being a breif respite of K- and P- cars for the Chrysler employees. 


I think it should only be fitting for a Viper to have the Nürburgring lap record for a road car, as a fitting send-off.


(mitsubishi.com)

The affordable, quick, and reliable Lancer is no more. This is especially sad as the fighter-jet, road-going rallycar Lancer Evolution died with it. No more are the days of 303 sideways, giant-spoiler-wearing horsepower converting dead dinosaurs into dust, smoke, and noise. Expect to see it replaced by some kind of crossover.


(public domain)
(This one is actually a Holden Commadore, but the only difference is the badge)

The Chevy SS wasn't loved enough. It was fast, with a top speed of 160, cheap for what it was with a price of $48,000, and powerful, with 415 stallions on tap. Also, it was the Chevy stealth-fighter car. I mean this in that the SS looked like a Malibu, but was as fast as a Camaro.

Honorable Mentions:

The Mustang V6


(cars.com)

The Chrysler 200


(cars.com)


2017 has taken with it plenty of great cars, but also plenty of utterly horrible cars, such as the Mitsubishi i-MiEV and Nissan Juke. Let's ring in 2018 with the hope that it brings some truly amazing cars with it.

Do you have any thoughts about cars/cats? What drives you crazy? One post a week so stay tuned!

Lexus CT

'bout time for another post, here it is,

The Lexus CT

(caranddriver.com)

The CT is a Prius wearing a Tartan plaid shirt. The main difference is that the Prius is driven by quinoa and sandal enthusiasts (and strangely, suburban families) that don't mind toxic, toxic cadmium in their cars, whereas the CT driver, is a bit of a mystery. From what I can deduce, the CT is driven by teff-ingesting golfers. Apparantley this is a very broad segment of the market, because I see these things everywhere!

The CT is quite underpowered for 2017. The C200h F-sport makes 134 horsepower and it takes 10.6 seconds to get to 60. When cars are that slow nowadays, it might actually become dangerous when merging onto the highway.

Somehow, the CT gets "40" highway MPG, but the Prius gets "50" mpg. I know those figures are probably fudged, but how can a badge engineered version of the same car get 10 less MPG? I looked into this, and apparantley the CT uses an older version of the Prius hybrid drive. Generally, if I'm going to be spending $32,000 on a new car, I would prefer it to be from this century!

The transmission appears to be of similar quality as the rest of the car. It is a CVT, which means that it essentially has infinite gear ratios. This seems good for fuel efficiency and get-up-and-go, but really, CVT's end up sounding like the New York Stock Exchange, but all the people replaced with cows (MoooOOOOooMMoooooooMOOOOO), as well as breaking a lot.

So, the Lexus CT. Driven by golf and non-GMO free range organic quinoa enthusiasts, under powered, under fuel-efficiency'd, and wonky transmisson'd.

Do you have any thoughts about cars/cats? What drives you crazy? One post a week so stay tuned!

Chevrolet Trax

'bout time for another post, here it is,

The Chevrolet Trax

(caranddriver.com)

To start, the Trax has one of the worst names out there, amongst "Kicks" or "Gremlin". I doubt the Trax can actually manage any of the tracks it is eponimously named for, as it has a minimum ground clearance (the clearance of the lowest part on the car) of only 6 inches. To compare, a Challenger SRT , which is a low-slung muscle car, has a minimum ground clearance of 5 inches. The power helps the Chevrolet about as much as the dismal ground clearance.

The power comes from a 1.4 turbo four-pot. It creates 138 horsepower, not nearly enough to propell its bloated features around. This fact is fairly evident in the 0-60 time of 9.3 seconds. This would have been acceptable just ten years ago,but nowadays, it would be difficult to merge on the highway. Also, because the Trax is basically a Cruze that eats too much ice cream, the gas mileage goes down from highway 37 mpg for the Cruze, down to 33 for the Trax. All this is to make it look like the Trax is a high-riding off roader.

Also, on the note of eating too much ice cream, the Trax weighs 3151 pounds. Actual pounds. At times like these, I wonder such things as: "Is it possible to put a car on a diet?" and "Was lead accidently ordered for the body panels instead of steel?".

Do you have any thoughts about cars/cats? What drives you crazy? One post a week so stay tuned!